With less then a year left tell I'm officially no longer a High School student I've had way to much time to think and not nearly enough answers to fill the void time to think has created in my mind. I mean it's not that the questions are just popping into my head, or even fairly recent. Their the same questions that plagued my 8 year old mind roughly a decade ago. But things change and what adults said then was that those decisions were an eternity away and then need not to be things that I fretted over and now here I sit nearly a decade later dealing with them still with no better grasp on the looming reality that waits.
We reach High School and we are abruptly go from that being the far off future a million years away to it being just around the corner and were possed with questions such as:
- What are you going to do when you graduate?
- Where are you going to college?
- What do you plan to do with the rest of your life?
- What are you going to go to college for?
These questions are piled on top of every other statement in the book such as:
- You have to keep your grades up so you can go to college.
- You need to study hard so you can score well on the ACT/SAT (so you can get into College)
- You MUST figure out what you are going to college for.
- You are deciding what you do for the rest of your life.
- If you mess up here it will follow you forever.
- [any sentence that has] "High School Transcript" [in it]
The number of times I've heard these questions since I started High School is way beyond a couple hundred each and by the end I'm left thinking so much! To the point there are days I just want to scream so loud.
I have my own Questions and words for them:
- Why do 4 stressful hormone filled, chaotic years determine my life?
- Why does one test determine my future? How is this fair?
- Why do I need to decide my future now?
- Why can I only do one thing with my life?
- What if I don't want to spend thousands of Dollars to only find out I have no job?
- Why do I need to put myself so far in debt that I'm going to be grasping to stay afloat because of it?
that and so many more questions flood my mind every day and night. I don't want to be stuck in the same spot for the rest of my life. I guess I never let go of those stories we hear as children as going from a small and insignificant caterpillar and transforming into a beautiful butterfly whom can go anywhere as long as she sets her mind to it. Maybe people are right that I need a hard smack to the face because that isn't reality and that no such thing exists in real life so I may as well get the hell over myself and move on and get ready to be super-glued to the ground cause you never will take flight again.
Is that what High School is, the years where we are just learning to fly, and then just as we are starting to learn our wings are plucked and our feet glued to the ground expecting us to know what we are going to do with our lives from everyday from now tell the day we die at 80-something.
Maybe I don't want to marry the guy everyone thinks I should marry, because he's supposedly Mr. Right, Maybe my Mr.Right is a mess at times and I want to slap him and scream at him because he's an idiot at times. Maybe I don't want to have 2.5 children maybe I want 5. Maybe I want to work on cars for some time, or be a farmer or move up on a mountain in Canada and live off the land so I never have to experience heartbreak or people who stab you in the back. Maybe that's the best plan go from High Schooler to Crazy Cat Lady. Maybe I just want a life where I am happy.
Debt from College scares me to no end, and I know it's inevitable anymore and I know it's what expected of me when I graduate, by family, by friends, by society, by the whole world. But still I feel that it's a cage not a support that going to college is the first bar in an ever building cage.
I'm not saying I never want to grow up, or that I'm not or I won't. But maybe what is considered growing up is wrong and that being a grown up shouldn't be about being what everyone else wants. It shouldn't be some mundane routine that we are told and shown it is. Is it wrong to not want to be stuck in the same mundane life forever?